How to Get Out of the Comparison Trap
We all know that comparison is the thief of joy but we do it anyway
Recently, I made myself miserable with comparison. Just miserable! And the spiritual platitudes — such as everyone is on their own journey or stop comparing your insides to someone’s outsides — just weren’t cutting it.
So what do we DO when we’re miserable in comparison? Here are some proactive steps I’ve taken. While I’m far from an expert in this department, I’m sharing what’s worked for me.
#1: the obvious
The obvious action is to get off social media. Last summer I took the entire season off Instagram (my only social media) and after an initial detox period, I felt a huge difference. I didn’t even miss it! I’m taking this summer off again. Just taking a few days off here and there hasn’t given me the same results and return of confidence that months off have. If you’re going through low self-esteem or mental health, or chronic illness, curate who you expose yourself to on social media—or take a long hiatus. Taking a hiatus doesn’t mean it’s permanent.
#2: the affirmation
A while ago, I started repeating Louise Hay’s well-known affirmation: “I love and approve of myself” and then added to it “exactly where I am.” With (faux) enthusiasm, I repeated to myself throughout the day: I love and approve of myself exactly where I am. It also helped me to look around my current space as I spoke. Replacing the mental energy I was using against myself with these words of self-acceptance really shifted things for me. Also, where I am is just fine! It’s a trick of the mind to always tell us where we are isn’t good enough.
#3: the boundary
A few years ago, my grade school class had a Zoom reunion. Now, I loved my class. But at the time, I had just gotten laid off and was really challenged physically. I knew I’d be catching up with people I hadn’t seen for decades, many of whom became quite successful! My then therapist suggested that I not attend to protect my healing. I was surprised by this advice from a mental health professional but took it and said no, much to others’ disappointment. A year later, when there was an in-person reunion, I was in a much better place and attended. I loved seeing everyone and connecting. I felt nourished by the IRL reunion, and glad I skipped the first one.
#4: the alternative
I’m not saying you need to avoid society and social media until you’re perfect. An alternative to #1 and #3 is to approach comparison-triggering situations from a place of neutrality. Let’s say you really want a relationship and are hanging with a friend group that is happily married. Instead of avoiding a conversation about their relationships, or them, try listening from a place of neutrality. You don’t have to force yourself to be happy for them (or share your bitterness); instead, focus your attention on listening. You can also try approaching social media from a place of detachment. Let go of your amazing post needing a certain amount of hearts. Let go of needing that person to follow you back. Let go of trying to be an influencer.
#5: the letter
The biggest buffer to comparison is self-love. The more you feel good about yourself, the less you’ll compare yourself to others. One practice to build self-love is to write love letters to yourself (cheese, I know!). If you were to write a letter to a friend telling them how awesome they are, what kind of things would you say? Now apply that to yourself. You could write something like, “You always help old ladies cross the street.” Or “Your smile lights up a room.” Self-appreciation is a form of gratitude. In addition to writing a gratitude list every night, I always write one thing I’m proud of myself for. Over time these practices build you up, so add them to your routine.
Letting go of comparison often comes hand-in-hand with releasing FOMO and people-pleasing. At the end of the day, you get to choose who you spend your time with and where you put your attention. Rewire yourself towards greater self-confidence through the choices that you make.
